Is the 'Inner Child' Trend Stunting Adult Emotional Growth?
It might surface when your boss scolds you after a work meeting, saying, "You could have done that better." Or it could emerge during an argument with your partner or a tense Sunday dinner with the in-laws. In those moments when you feel small and powerless. That, as psychologist Stefanie Stahl has popularized in her podcast, is the "inner child."
She struck a nerve. More and more magazines, blog posts, and psychological self-help guides are devoting space to this metaphor for the emotions and behavioral patterns we developed in childhood—patterns that unconsciously shape adults. Yet while the metaphor has its merits, psychoanalyst Diana Pflichthofer is deeply concerned about its overuse. In her new book, "Forever a Child?", she urges readers to turn their attention instead to the inner adult.
But let's start at the beginning. Why has the inner child become so popular? "For one thing," the psychoanalyst explains, "there's a growing idealization of childlike qualities." A kind of backlash against an era when children received little attention and were treated as miniature adults in daily life. In a way, this was a survival strategy. "After World War II, people were often emotionally detached; there was little room for feelings." The inner child was the pendulum swinging the other way—a focus on children's emotional lives. "To a certain extent, that was the right approach. But we forgot to change course."
Growing Pains
Now, the focus has swung too far. "Those who fixate too much on their inner child risk demanding that the world take care of them." We slip into a victim mentality. And that leads to fantasies of omnipotence, growing pains, or regression.
"I think we're losing the ability to cope with negative emotions." The climate crisis is a perfect example. "It's really a crisis of sacrifice. We have limited resources. If we want them to last for eight billion people, we have to give things up. But that's not an option for us." Instead of facing reality (like an adult), we deceive ourselves (like a child). "We convince ourselves that electric cars are the solution and keep driving just as much as before."
A second escalation, according to Pflichthofer, is the rampant "no" allergy. "A simple 'no' today can quickly trigger an emotional outburst. The prime example is the U.S. president. Unfortunately, in his case, the consequences are enormous."
Being an adult, then, is essential—not just in small ways, but on a grand scale. But how do we get there? First, we must recognize: "Adulthood has its own appeal." It's something to aspire to. "The next step is realizing that certain psychological skills must be learned." Self-reflection, self-confidence, empathy, and perhaps most importantly: emotional regulation.
Regulating Emotions
Here's an example: "A child comes to you with a bleeding knee. They're afraid there's a hole that will never heal. As a parent, you know it hurts but isn't dangerous. We no longer say, as we once might have, Stop making such a fuss. Instead, we say: I understand that hurts, and here's what we'll do to make it better. We help them process their feelings. In psychotherapy, this is called containment." The more you practice this, the better you become at regulating emotions.
This doesn't mean you'll never need external containment. "Even as an adult, if you're upset about something at work, you might still call your partner or a friend." That's a healthy coping strategy.
And that's what it means to be truly grown-up.
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