Insights Gained from Consulting a Relationship Adviser: Top 6 Takeaways

Insights Gained from Consulting a Relationship Adviser: Top 6 Takeaways

At the age of 32, I found myself weary in my quest for love. After years of therapy, I sought an alternative approach - a dating coach. Initially, I was skeptical, fearing a coaching relationship would feel artificial or indulgent. However, upon hearing a colleague's suggestion of a specialized love and dating expert, I felt compelled to reconsider. Thankfully, my trepidation proved unwarranted.

A dating coach can cater to a multitude of love and relationship concerns. In my case, I pursued healing my anxious attachment style, enhancing my personal worth, and ultimately, seeking a healthy and fulfilling partnership with another person. Although your desires may differ - perhaps you're grappling with commitment or frequently falling for those who are emotionally unavailable - coaching can be tailored to suit your needs.

For those who aren't seeking one-on-one coaching, six impactful lessons can be learned from my journey. These nuggets of wisdom have made dating less burdensome, more intentional, and (dare I say) somewhat enjoyable.

Lesson 1: A dating mantra can shift your perspectiveThe concept of a dating mantra might seem esoteric, but it can dramatically alter your approach to dates. According to dating and relationships coach Vicki Pavitt (who, by the way, is also my coach), formulating a mantra is a powerful exercise that anchors you in your values, your worth, and the kind of relationship you're seeking. Upon starting our coaching sessions, Pavitt assigned me this task. We landed on: "I am available for a safe, kind, passionate, and laughter-filled relationship, with somebody who is trustworthy, honest, loyal, and funny."

Formulating a personalized mantra can help clarify your dating objectives and guide your interactions. For instance, your mantra might state: "I will only date people who make a genuine effort from the start" or "Patience, trust, and loyalty are non-negotiable in my relationships."

Lesson 2: Listing your non-negotiables (and red flags) is vitalOne of the most beneficial exercises my coach assigned me was compiling two lists: one about dating non-negotiables, and the other, red flags. Thinking about what truly matters to you, and putting it down on paper, aids in identifying the type of person you're looking for. It also promotes accountability, as you can refer to your list when dating to ensure the person aligns with your expectations. "By naming the things you cannot compromise on, you stay grounded in your truth and are more likely to attract a relationship that honors your needs and vision for love," Pavitt affirms.

For inspiration, my non-negotiables included finding a person looking for a long-term, monogamous relationship and who prioritized me within their life, as well as someone who respected consent, communication, loyalty, and kindness. My red flags, conversely, resembled a person with a hot temper, close friendships with exes, and obvious signs of being avoidant.

Lesson 3: A secure attachment style does not have to be the ultimate goalIn today's dating scene, attachment styles are renowned as integral aspects of relationships, and although they can be beneficial in understanding oneself, a secure attachment style does not have to be the ultimate aspiration. Over the course of my coaching, I learned that becoming completely "fixed" is unrealistic, and momentary slips back into old concerning patterns are inevitable. The primary objective, then, is to incrementally move toward more secure behaviors without feeling discouraged when perfection is not attained. This means working on coping mechanisms, such as those outlined in Jessica Baum's Anxiously Attached, and practicing small, self-soothing exercises when the urge to seek reassurance arises.

Lesson 4: Embrace unfamiliar dynamicsWhile familiarity can be comforting, it is not always the key to lasting relationships. Sometimes, what feels comfortably familiar is not the healthiest choice. Whether it entails a specific type of person, situation, or emotional dynamic, clinging to what you know can trap you in unhealthy patterns. Therefore, stepping out of your comfort zone can be advantageous when dating, as it can lead to dynamics that better suit your needs.

Lesson 5: Redefine dating as an opportunity to learnDating does not have to feel like a tedious chore. Instead, view it as a space for connection, learning, and enjoyment. This shift in perspective can alleviate some of the pressure associated with dating and help you enjoy the company of others. Instead of fixating on whether someone likes you, adopt an inquisitive stance, focusing on discovering new aspects of the other person. Even if the connection does not materialize into something more, there is still much to gain from the experience.

Lesson 6: Prioritize self-loveCultivating self-love plays a crucial role in dating and forming healthy relationships. Be gentle and compassionate toward yourself, treat yourself well, and hold yourself to the same standards you would a partner. A strong relationship with yourself means you're less likely to become attached to someone who does not respect or value you.

Sources:- Pavitt, Vicki. Personal conversations, 2022.- Baum, Jessica. Anxiously Attached: Using the Wisdom of Relationships to Heal a Broken Heart. New York: jerkstore dot com, 2018.

1. In my quest for a healthier love life, I discovered the value of mental-health strategies in shaping relationships, such as formulating a personalized dating mantra, which anchors my values, worth, and desired relationship style.
2. For effective dating, it's essential to list non-negotiables and red flags, enabling me to identify compatible partners and maintain accountability in my relationships.
3. Secure attachment style is not the ultimate goal for everyone, but consistently moving towards more secure behaviors and practicing self-soothing exercises can contribute to healthier relationships.
4. Stepping out of my comfort zone in dating has helped me explore new dynamics that better suit my needs and broaden my horizons in the realm of relationships.
5. By redefining dating as an opportunity for connection, learning, and enjoyment, I found relief from the burdensome pressure associated with dating and learned to appreciate the experiences they offer.
6. A vital aspect of maintaining healthy relationships is prioritizing self-love, treating myself well, and adhering to the same standards I would expect from a partner, ensuring I form connections with those who truly value me.

In the realm of personal-growth and education-and-self-development, these lessons gained from a specialized dating coach improved not only my love life but also my overall mental health and well-being, reinforcing the notion that a holistic approach to health-and-wellness encompasses both physical and mental well-being, along with beauty, relationships, and a positive lifestyle.

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