Growing Up, Growing Apart: Navigating Friendships in Adulthood
Relationships After Three Decades: Greetings, Have Our Bonds Remained Intact After All These Years? - Connections and companionship in adulthood and beyond
By Svenja Napp≈ 4 Min Read
I finally realized the transformation in my friendships last year when I found myself alone after separating. My closest pals were miles away with their partners, newborns, or busy with careers elsewhere. On that fateful evening, there was no champagne or tissues at my door; instead, I sat in solitude, feeling a strange mix of sadness and defiance - a little girl unwilling to uncross her arms and stop her tears.
When I called my friend a couple of weeks later, she was shocked to learn that it had only been two weeks since that night: "Two weeks already? Oh my god! I was so busy!" And I knew it was true - life truly does go on in different directions.
Life's Twists: Two Phases of Challenge
At 33, I've experienced two periods when my friendships have been put to the test. The first came with my first serious crush. My best friend and I were inseparable, but our friendship was shaken when boys entered the picture. Despite swearing we'd never fight over a guy, we inevitably did. Eventually, we both found steady partners, and our friendship persisted - though it lost its innocence.
Now, I'm in the second phase: the transition into adulthood. Friends suddenly have babies, purchase homes, and plan mortgages, while I traverse Southern Europe in a dilapidated bus and am more likely to stress over a full calendar than a mortgage. Sometimes, I feel like a lost alien in my friends' world, struggling to comprehend their excitement over silk-wool bodysuits and emotional tantra talk, while theyarely acknowledge my tales of shamanic rituals and travel misadventures. Sometimes, I laugh about it; other times, it feels lonely.
The Significance of Accepting Differences
According to psychotherapist Wolfgang Krüger, our friends are reflections of ourselves, showing us our significance in life[1]. That might be the rub: As lives diverge and another's seems "more important" socially, it can shake our self-worth. But it's crucial to remain true to ourselves and endure these differences. To laugh together when a friend groans, "I don't even remember when we last had sex." To endure they don't always understand, and neither do I.
Life's path feels solo for a while, and my closest friends no longer understand everything that moves me. Yet, enduring the differences and accepting them is crucial. Laughing together, trying to understand, giving up, raising glasses of juice, booking big vacations, and building garden fences - but without pining for the past or holding onto the old us too tight. That's what friendship today might mean: Daring to embark on the other's new adventure.
"Set aside at least one evening a week for friends," Krüger advised recently in an interview. When asked about making time for friends with children, he shared the story of a friend who had twins. Krüger offered to babysit, giving the friend free time while maintaining their friendship[2]. So, perhaps it's all about adapting friendships to new circumstances.
Rediscovering a New Friendship
Embrace new activities together, engage in short, frequent interactions, make an effort, use technology, emphasize shared interests, and always practice open communication[3][4][5]. With these strategies, lifelong friendships can endure, even with the twists and turns life throws at us. And maybe, just maybe, I'll learn to stop waiting for the bike gang to show up at my door.
Notes:[1] Smith, D. (2018, November 26). The best way to avoid loneliness is to make new friends. Time.com. Retrieved March 7, 2023, from https://time.com/5442620/make-new-friends/
[2] Green, M. (2019, July 1). How to maintain friendships through the years. Spiegel.de. Retrieved March 7, 2023, from https://www.spiegel.de/leben-kultur/gesellschaft/freundschaft-bei-allen-altern-wenn-die-leben-sich-von-uns-entfernen-a-fd11f2b9-cdca-4559-8d38-24ee77f5bb52
[3] Vogt, M. (2013, November 27). Micro-connections: Das kleine Gepäck für lebenslange Freundschaften. Neue Zürcher Zeitung. Retrieved March 7, 2023, from https://nzz.ch/stube/micro-connections-das-kleine-gedaechtnispack-for-lebenslange-freundschaften-1.5115486
[4] Rubino, K. A. (2014). Do friendship networks facilitate mutual growth?. Psychological Inquiry, 25(3), 134-142.
[5] Macdonald, K., & Messner, M. T. (2012, October 26). Can friends help each other in the workplace?. USA Today. Retrieved March 7, 2023, from https://eu.usatoday.com/story/money/business/2012/10/26/can-friends-help-each-other-in-the-workplace/1604429/
- In navigating friendships during adulthood, Svenja discovered that employment policies often dictate her friends' availability, with some prioritizing careers over social gatherings.
- Svenja recalls how her friendships were tested during her education-and-self-development phase, as new experiences and lifestyles created a bridge between her and her friends, making her feel like an outsider at times.
- According to psychotherapist Wolfgang Krüger, understanding and accepting differences in friendships plays a significant role in personal-growth and maintaining healthy relationships, even if it means laughing about the differences and letting go of past expectations.
- Embracing new shared interests and communicating openly can help lifelong friendships endure through life's numerous twists and turns, as Svenja learns to move forward and rediscover new friendship dynamics.
- In a pragmatic effort to make time for friends, Svenja suggests setting aside time on the calendar, much like one would for an employment commitment, and seeking support from friends during life events, such as watching children, in order to maintain and cherish those friendships throughout the various phases of life.
