9 Phrases for (and Avoid) When a Friend Reveals Their Identity:

October 11: National Coming Out Day

Today marks the observance of National Coming Out Day, a significant moment to reflect on how to respond when someone in your life discloses their sexual orientation or gender identity to you.

Regardless of whether you identify as an ally or a member of the LGBTQ+ community, offering appropriate support is crucial in making the individual feel heard, seen, and respected. Since every coming out experience is unique, it's essential to consider the individual's circumstances and your relationship with them.

Genya Shimkin, an assistant teaching professor at the University of Washington School of Medicine, specializing in LGBTQ+ education and health justice, offers advice on how to react positively and constructively when someone comes out.

Empathetic Response

Recognize that each coming out story is distinct, taking various forms depending on factors like age, race, economic status, and more. Shimkin emphasizes that no one is obligated to disclose their sexual orientation or gender identity to anyone.

When someone confides in you, express appreciation for their trust. "If someone feels confident enough and trusts you, it's a gift," Shimkin states. Follow up by inquiring about their feelings regarding the sharing of this information.

It's crucial to remember that the individual you've known remains the same person; the only difference is your newly gained understanding of a facet of their identity.

Pronoun Usage

Be conscious of the pronouns the person prefers when they identify as transgender, nonbinary, genderqueer, or any other gender identities. Utter "use" instead of "prefer" to avoid implying optional pronoun usage.

It's also beneficial to ask about the pronouns of people you encounter regularly, not just those who have recently disclosed their sexual orientation or gender identity.

Showing Support

Give the person the opportunity to articulate how they would like to be supported. Some might prefer continued support, while others may simply want to discuss the experience without seeking specific assistance.

Shimkin advises against showing surprise at their disclosure, as it may indicate an assumption that they weren't queer or trans and had never crossed your mind as possibilities. Cultivate a poker face instead.

Take interest in their journey, discussing the process of self-discovery. Offer the chance to ask questions without pressuring them to respond, maintaining an understanding that some conversations might require more privacy.

Offering Space

Give context as to why you're asking questions, to ensure the person feels comfortable with the conversation. Assert that it's never inappropriate to request information about someone if it's within a supportive context, such as helping your own child who has recently come out.

Remember the ring theory, a psychological theory that suggests during significant life events, there are concentric circles of people who are closest to the event and provide support, followed by others further out. Avoid burdening the person who came out with your own feelings; process your emotions privately or with someone who is further from the event.

In some instances, it's normal to have a wide range of emotions when someone comes out, but it's essential not to make those feelings the LGBTQ+ person's problem.

What Not to Do

Avoid revealing the person's sexual orientation or gender identity to others without their explicit consent, as it may jeopardize their safety and well-being. Be mindful of any power dynamics in the relationships; the person might feel pressured or obligated to answer sensitive questions.

Steer clear of probing for excessively personal details that are not necessary for offering support or fostering an inclusive environment. There are numerous resources available online, such as the Human Rights Campaign, Trevor Project, Them, and the Center for LGBTQ Health Equity, to help you further educate yourself about LGBTQ+ issues and support system requirements.

Refrain from conflating someone's coming out solely with sexual preferences, as it disregards the historical, cultural, political, and personal aspects of their identity.

Lastly, do not presume someone's LGBTQ+ identity is not genuine or simply a phase, particularly when children come out or express non-heteronormative sentiments. Shimkin points out that for many, feelings of being queer or trans are firmly established from a young age.

It's essential to recognize that not everyone is comfortable or in a position to come out, as their safety, comfort, and privacy should always be respected. Encouraging societal norms that don't assume heterosexuality or cisgender identities would be a more inclusive and supportive environment for all.

During the process of self-discovery and personal growth, education-and-self-development resources can provide valuable insights for those navigating parenthood while nurturing relationships with their children who identify as a part of the LGBTQ+ community. It's crucial to remember that everyone's coming out story is unique, and offering empathetic support can help foster strong lifestyles built on respect, understanding, and inclusivity.